Appropriate Sexual Behaviors by Age

Written By Kayla McKean

Presented to DSHN by Rachel Brown of Virginia League for Planned Parenthood

Sexual development includes...

  • development of biological sex

  • development of gender identity and societal gender role

  • physical and emotional changes of puberty

  • development of attraction

    • affectional attraction

    • romantic attraction

    • erotic attraction

  • development of values and attitudes about sexuality

In the following "age-appropriate sexual behavior" sections, the YES section describes age-appropriate curiosities and explorations that children may start to exhibit around that age.  These are typical behaviors for children of their age to engage in – so if there are boundaries to be set about where and with whom those behaviors can be exhibited, families can proactively bring that up. Understanding this timeline gives families opportunities for different conversations that will help children develop a positive sexuality as they grow and develop, laying the foundation for happy and healthy relationships and a positive sense of self.  The NO section are age-inappropriate behaviors that should raise concerns or red flags that a child may have experienced abuse or been exposed to inappropriate content or behaviors for their age group.

Young Children

Interests, concerns, behaviors:

  • gender roles

  • body parts and functions

  • reproduction ("Where do I/babies come from?")

  • need for privacy

  • body image

  • genital touching

Up to age 5: age-appropriate sexual behavior

Yes:

  • asks questions and has awareness of differences in gender, genitals/private parts, pregnancy, and childbirth

  • shows and looks at genital/private parts

  • explores genitals, self-soothes, and may feel pleasure

No:

  • shows awareness or knowledge of specific sex acts or sexual language

  • initiates or participates in adult-like sexual contact with others

Ages 6-8: age-appropriate sexual behavior

Yes:

  • Asks questions and talks about relationships, puberty, sexual health, and development

  • explores genitals, self-soothes, and may feel pleasure

  • role plays or experiments with children of same age-group in play

  • copying relationship/dating behavior

No:

  • shows awareness or knowledge of specific sex acts or sexual language

  • initiates or participates in adult-like sexual contact with others

  • demonstrates sexual behavior in public or via technology

Adolescents

Interests, concerns, behaviors:

  • physical changes

  • hygiene, pimples, body odor

  • friendships

  • masturbation

  • gender identity

  • sexual orientation

  • body image

  • reproduction, pregnancy, birth

  • contraception and STIs

  • establishing and maintaining intimate relationships

  • breaking up

Ages 9-12: age-appropriate sexual behavior

Yes:

  • asks questions and talks about relationships, puberty, sexual health, development, and values

  • intentionally touches genitals (masturbates) in private

  • shows beginning of sexual attraction toward peers

  • looks at or shows curiosity in nudity of others or sexual material

No:

  • demonstrates sexual behavior in public or via technology

  • initiates or participates in adult-like sexual contact with others

Teens: age-appropriate sexual behavior

Yes:

  • asks questions and talks about relationships, puberty, sexual health, consequences of risky behavior, and values

  • intentionally touches genitals (masturbates) in private

  • may have first sexual experience

  • looks at or shows curiosity in nudity of others or sexual material

No:

  • public displays of sexual behavior or masturbation

  • displays aggressive sexual behavior or attitudes

  • shows sexual interest in younger children 


Similarities & differences for youth with disabilities

Similarities

  • biological changes

  • assigned gender

  • gender roles reinforced

  • desire for about relationships, connection, maybe even marriage and/or children one day

  • sexual feelings and needs

  • need information based on biological age

  • people may not discuss topics with them

  • may make mistakes when first trying to find a romantic partner

  • may come across inaccurate information online and/or from peers

  • may feel confused about their feelings and attractions

Differences

  • people may think they do/will not need this information

  • often lack privacy to explore their sexuality

  • may lack friendships and social opportunities to talk about these things with peers

  • may not pick up on social cues or understand the ways appropriateness changes based on setting, may need more explicit instruction

  • may take more time to understand concepts or need things repeated

  • behaviors are accepted or forgiven

Resources for starting the conversation

for using media as an entry point:

for young people to learn from (share these with the young people in your life!)

for parents, caretakers, and professionals to consult to navigate these conversations with youth

tips for young people to talk about sexual health with adults in their life


Tip: Media player controls can be used to make videos more accessible. Here is more information on ways to adjust videos with the YouTube media player:

Kayla McKean
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