Kids Are Using Pornography as Sex Ed, and It’s Backfiring
Adolescence can be a time when your kids stop talking to you as much as they used to. Hiding out in their rooms, giving one-word answers, never offering any information… these behaviors are not unusual for this age group. However, adolescence is also a time when parent-teen communication is extremely important. Teenagers are on the cusp of adulthood and independence, and your guidance and advice are integral to their health and safety, especially when it comes to pornography. Talking to your kids about pornography can be tricky, awkward, panic-inducing, and downright scary, but it doesn’t have to be. In fact, the more you do it, the easier it gets. Here we’ll explain why it’s important to talk to your teenager about pornography and provide you with resources to get that conversation started.
Pornography is easier to access than ever, and chances are, your teen has already seen it. Studies show that the average age kids first see porn (often by accident) is 11 years, and by age 14, 94% of kids have seen it. You may have installed apps that limit your child’s screentime and the types of material they can access with their devices, but there are ways around those barriers. Kids who view pornography are more likely to have their sexual debut at an early age, engage in unsafe sex practices, have unrealistic expectations about sex, and even adopt aggressive or violent sexual behaviors. If you can’t prevent your child from accessing porn, then it’s important to have regular, ongoing talks about the effects of pornography.
Reasons to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography
1. Human trafficking. Many teens don’t realize that the pornography they are consuming might feature teens or young adults who have been trafficked. They might unwillingly participate in pornography in order to be housed or fed. They might have a substance use problem and are participating in exchange for drugs. Or they might just have no other options. When teens understand that videos, for example, are fictional depictions possibly achieved through coercion, they might feel less comfortable watching it.
2. Consent. Not only are some of the actors participating without consent, but the scenarios they depict are often nonconsensual. There is very little or no negotiation or communication on the screen about wants and needs. In sex ed class, your child likely learns that sexual activity should be accompanied by communication about boundaries. They learn about affirmative consent and how not to violate a person’s limits. Pornography often sends the opposite message, that anything goes including coercion, force, objectification, misogyny, and violence.
3. Safe Sex. It is estimated that only 2% of online pornography depicts the use of condoms. If teens are turning to porn for their sexual health education, then this puts them at risk of STIs and unplanned pregnancy. Comprehensive sex ed teaches students how to protect their bodies by always using/insisting on the use of condoms, but if the only examples they see are people NOT using condoms, there’s a good chance teens will underestimate their risk and engage in unprotected sex.
4. Unrealistic expectations. Pornography often portrays sex as fast, rough, and exciting, with little or unbalanced foreplay, involving beautiful, fit people with carefully manicured body hair. In reality, sex can be awkward, funny, tender, slow, intermittent, paused to be continued later, or any combination of those things, between moderately attractive people who sometimes feel tired and stressed and maybe haven’t been to the gym or the salon in a while. Pornography can set up unrealistic expectations causing viewers to feel like they, or their partner, don’t measure up in some way. It makes people feel like they must “perform,” rather than just “be” with their partner. It can also increase sexual aggression as teens mimick what they’re seeing online.
For all of these reasons, it’s important to try to prevent your teens from accessing pornography, but also to acknowledge they probably will and commit to having an ongoing conversation about the pitfalls of porn. There are many resources available to help you help your child to process what they might have seen online. And if you are courageous and genuine in these conversations, your child will come to see you as the most reliable source of information about sexual health and healthy relationships.
A couple rules of thumb:
1. Remain calm, yet confident and clear, during the conversation. Avoid threats, ultimatums, fear tactics, or humiliation. Remember, you want your child to tell you when they’re having any kind of problem and not feel ashamed to come to you.
2. Acknowledge that your child will be curious about sex. Share your values about sex and relationships.
These two resources have great advice for talking to your teen about pornography: https://www.commonsense.org/education/articles/how-to-help-parents-talk-to-their-kids-about-porn
Kids might access pornography in a variety of ways – by accident, by seeking it out, or through peers who share it with them. As a result, their attitudes toward sex and relationships might be skewed by the unrealistic nature of pornography. Ultimately, pornography can disrupt kids’ real-life relationships and their lives. Thankfully, parents can mitigate all this by communicating with their kids about pornography, holding up more realistic examples of intimate relationships, and emphasizing protected sex and consent as non-negotiables.
Sources:
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/05/well/family/the-other-talk-parents-avoid-pornography.html
https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2018/08/talking-to-kids-about-porn/568744/
This blog post was contributed by Katie Mitchell of SexEdVA, a division of James Madison University working to support sexual health education, family life programming, and positive youth development across Virginia. To inquire about partnering with them or to find out more, visit www.sexedva.org or email them at jmuarp@jmu.edu.
This publication was made possible by Grant Number TP1AH000215 from the HHS Office of Population Affairs. Contents are solely the responsibility of the authors and do not necessarily represent the official views of the Department of Health and Human Services or the Office of Population Affairs.