Helping Your Child Distinguish Between Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships
One teenager wraps their arms around and leans on another who is holding their phone.
In the sexual health programming we do in schools, a big focus is strategies for handling sexual pressure from a romantic partner. We want students to know that in healthy relationships, people do not pressure each other or make demands about sex and intimacy. We also want to allow students to learn about healthy relationship qualities before they are in serious romantic relationships. The middle school years are an appropriate time to approach this topic.
Start by asking your child these questions and discussing them:
What would your ideal relationship be like?
What qualities are you looking for in a romantic partner?
What comes to your mind when you think of real love?
What do you think an abusive relationship would look and feel like?
Do you know anyone who has a healthy relationship? What about an unhealthy relationship?
Why do you think their relationship is healthy/unhealthy?
Unhealthy relationships are ones that lack mutual respect and trust. Young people need to understand what to look for so they can end toxic relationships before they escalate. Some characteristics of unhealthy relationships include:
Control. One dating partner makes all the decisions and tells the other what to do, what to wear, or who to spend time with. They are unreasonably jealous or try to isolate the other partner from their friends and family.
Hostility. One dating partner picks a fight with or antagonizes the other dating partner. This may lead to one dating partner changing their behavior in order to avoid upsetting the other.
Dishonesty. One dating partner lies to, conceals things from, or steals from the other.
Disrespect. One dating partner makes fun of the other partner or destroys something that belongs to the partner.
Dependence. One dating partner feels that they “cannot live without” the other. They might threaten to do something drastic if the relationship ends.
Intimidation. One dating partner tries to control the other's life using fear tactics or threatening violence or a break-up.
Physical violence. One partner uses force to get their way (such as hitting, slapping, grabbing, or shoving).
Sexual violence. One dating partner pressures or forces the other into sexual activity against their will.
*adapted from Characteristics of Healthy Relationships (youth.gov)
Talk to your child now about healthy vs. unhealthy relationships. This is the first step in helping your child avoid an abusive situation. It may be that your child doesn’t start dating for a few more years. This is prime time for introducing this knowledge. Later, if you are concerned your child is in an unhealthy relationship, you can revisit your earlier conversation and then direct them to this resource that will help them consider whether to leave the relationship or not.
If you know your child’s relationship is unhealthy, these resources offer steps you can use to help your child get out:
People are not born knowing how to create, recognize, or participate in healthy relationships. It’s one of many important skills, like swimming or changing a flat tire or reading a map, that adults must impart to children. As with all life skills, it pays to start early and keep practicing and communicating about healthy relationships.
This blog post was contributed by Katie Mitchell of SexEdVA, a division of James Madison University working to support sexual health education, family life programming, and positive youth development across Virginia. To inquire about partnering with them or to find out more, visit www.sexedva.org/arp or email them at jmuarp@jmu.edu.
This publication was made possible by Grant Number TP1AH000215 from the HHS Office of Population Affairs. Contents are solely the responsibility of the authors and do not necessarily represent the official views of the Department of Health and Human Services or the Office of Population Affairs.